


Lost Control

by Araglas



Series: Lost [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 19:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4533729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Araglas/pseuds/Araglas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Anders nearly killed the Mage girl, when Vengeance took over, he decided to take a few days for himself, which Hawke accepted. After all he got the promise, that Anders wouldn't leave Kirkwall. But those 'few days' turned to a month now, and still the Apostate refused to leave his clinic......<br/>now beta read</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost Control

**Author's Note:**

> I only remeber partly Anders story about why he fled the wardens and couldn´t find it at the internet so please forgive any false details...
> 
> the inspiration was passengers ´let her go´, though I don´t know how it is connectet to this story XD

After Anders nearly killed the Mage girl, he decided to take a few days for himself, to which Hawke agreed. After all Anders promised that he wouldn't leave Kirkwall. But those 'few days' had turned to a month now and still the Apostate refused to leave his clinic.

 

The first days without the mage were like a vacation for Fenris. Nobody wanted to argue with him about Mage rights. Nobody except Isabela who was nagging him. Fenris wouldn’t speak with Merrill, he had some amusing conversations with Varric, Sebastian still tried to convert him, Hawke told witty stories while they were hunting and with Aveline he had some deep conversations about the pros and cons of fighting with a sword and shield as opposed to fighting with a two-handed sword.

 

After the first week and a half, Fenris began to get restless. His mood started to darken. He became quiet again or started small arguments with the others. At the end of the second week he broke his _'don't speak with Merrill'_ rule and tried to pick a fight with her. She just got scared, causing Isabela and Varric to get really protective over her and so he stopped.

 

After three weeks of restlessness, he couldn't even sleep well anymore. Fenris got into his first real fight with Varric because he snapped when he overheard Varric telling Isabela, 'that it seemed like Broody missed Blondie.'

 

It was Hawke that told him to stop and Fenris` mouth snapped shut because there was something about the tone of voice that Hawke used that triggered his slave instincts. He stared at the Mage in irritation before storming out of the Hanged Man.

 

~

 

Tonight was card night at the Hanged Man. They always told Fenris that he had the perfect pokerface and this was true, but when it came to this game his pokerface was only because he just didn't know if his hand was a winning or a losing hand. Oddly enough, it was more often a winning one.

 

They were already on their third round when finaly Hawke joined them. Garrett plopped himself down on a seat, ordered a drink and then sighed in frustration.

"He still refuses to join us! I don't understand him anymore. Sure, he _did_ nearly kill the girl, but he didn't! I understand that he needed some time to himself, but this long? I don't think it helps him much to lock us out..."

 

"He lost control. A Mage without control is a danger for everyone around him and for himself" Fenris snarled, looking at his cards. "You should have let me put him out..."

 

"Fenris! He’s our friend! He just slipped up one time, that's no reason to let him down! And by the way, he isn't the only one who loses control from time to time."

 

Fenris dared to look up to Hawke before glancing at his cards again.

 "As you say."

 

Again Hawke sighed. His drink arrived and he took a deep gulp, sighing in relief when he put it down. He ran a hand though his beard. "I really don't think he takes the isolation well... He looks awful but he doesn't want to speak with me. Has he spoken to any of you?"

 

A collective shake of heads gave him the answer.

 

"The only thing, I can do is keep the templars away", Varric sighed, "Anders always sends me away, when I try to help."

 

"He even sent me away! Me! Though I offered him some nice little distractions", Isabela pointed at her body. It seemed like she was indignant about the thought that someone turned her down.

 

Garrett noded. "If it wasn't for Justice, I would be concerned that he might harm himself. But the spirit wouldn't allow that."

 

Fenris ears began to ring and his eyes stared blankly at his cards when a memory surfaced:

 

_'Fenris, did you ever think about killing yourself?'_

_'I could ask you the same thing.’_

_'I'm serious. To get out of slavery, to escape Danarius... don't tell me you never thought about it.'_

_'I did not. To kill oneself is a sin in the eyes of the Maker.'_

_' You... believe that?_

_'' I try to. Some things must be worse than slavery.'_

_' Some things are worse than death.'_

 

Suddenly Fenris tossed his cards on the table.

 "I have had enough" He stated, standing up and leaving without looking at anyone. Leaving them baffled. But then again, it was still Fenris and so it wasn't too uncommon for him to behave like that.

 

In the fresh air he stopped, taking a deep breath before he started to walk again. His steps didn't lead him to Hightown but into the darkness of Darktown. He stopped at a store to buy something before making his way to the clinic.

 

Reaching it he knocked.

 Nothing happend.

 He knocked again.

  _Still_ nothing happened.

 

"I know you are there and this little piece of wood will not stop me. So if you like having a door, I recommend that you open."

 Fenris could hear movement behind the door and about a minute later it opened a little.

 

"Are you here to kill me? I hope so" the voice of the Mage sounded hoarse but unpleasantly hopeful.

 

"No I am not... Not yet anyway" Fenris answered, sniffing because of the bad smell coming from the darkness of the clinic. "Now let me in."

 

Anders opened the door a bit more but didn't move away. He glanced up and down at Fenris, hesitating when he saw a bottle of wine in his hands.

 "You... are here to drink wine with me? Justice still doesn’t allow that. Are you here because Hawke made you come? I don't want to talk! I want to be alone!"

 

The Elf frowned. The man infront of him appeared not to have washed himself in days, maybe weeks. His skin was pale, his eyes dull and his hair oily. Not to mention that he had a messy beard.

 _Hawke was right, he looks awful_.

"The wine isn't for you. Are you really thinking Hawke would send _me_ to _you_ while you are this _weak_? And now let me in."

 

Anders winced at those words. Especially hearing himself referred to as weak. "And if I don't?"

 

Fenris opened his mouth to respond, then he dropped his gaze. The former slave still had problems with looking in the eyes of other people . Oddly enough he’d always held most eye contact with Anders as when he was angry it was easier to maintain it. But now he didn't want to argue.

"Then... I will have to come back again and again till you let me in..."

 

The Mage looked puzzled and took step back, letting the other man in.

 

The only light in the clinic came from behind the curtain that separated Anders bedroom from the rest of the clinic. So Fenris went there whilst Anders closed the door and followed slowly.

 

The Elf noticed when he got into the separated area that this part was a mess while the patient area was clean. He sat down on the only chair, waiting till Anders sat on his cot.

"It is a month now. The others are really worried about you" Fenris stated, trying to open the bottle of wine still in his hands.

 

"I didn't ask them too" Anders answered weakly, looking at the Warrior attempting to understand why he would come here. Why would the elf bother to come back if Anders sent him away? And why by Andrastes Tits would the elf want to drink his wine here?

 

"I know. I think that’s what friends are supposed to do. Not that I have much knowledge about this. But I know they consider you a friend. For whatever reason..." Fenris finally opened the bottle, taking a deep gulp of the wine.

 

"Yeah. For whatever reason... I don't deserve their concern, their friendship." Anders was still watching the elf, eyeing the movement of his Adam’s apple as Fenris drank.

 

Fenris wiped his mouth after finishing drinking.

"Yeah my thoughts exactly" He still didn't look at Anders' face.

 

The Mage closed his eyes. "So you are here to make me feel even worse? Or is there actually a reason for you to be here?"

 

"You should come back" Fenris glanced at Anders, noticing the slightly shaking hands of the Mage.

_I wonder if he’s eaten anything..._

Fenris looked away again and fidgeted with the wine bottle.

 

"I..." Anders shifted nervously. "I can't. Not after what happend. I lost control! I nearly killed her. I'm dedicated to save Mages but I nearly killed one of my own kind! No... I can't be sure that this wouldn't happen again..."

 

Fenris drank some more wine, closing his eyes as he did so. He wiped his mouth afterwards and stared at some point on the cot but not at the Blonde.

 

"After I got my markings," He started with a soft, dark voice, damped by memories. "there was a time I couldn't control them. I phased and materialized unintentionally. So Danarius made a collar and put it on me" Fenris’ empty hand touched his throat unconciously.

 

Anders watched spellbound. It was the first time Fenris had spoken openly to Anders about something from his past. At least, without using the memory to insult Anders in some way. He nearly forgot to breath simply because he didn't want to make a sound for fear the Elf would stop speaking.

 

"With this collar he had the power phase and materializeme at his will. You would think it would help me to get control over what was happening, but it was an awful feeling. He started to kill slaves or lesser Mages who angered him with my hands so that I would learn how it works. Bit by bit he gave me back some of the control so that I could do it on my own. At last he put the collar away because I knew how to use my new abilities. At that point I would kill anyone he wanted me to. Mages, Magisters... fellow slaves..." Again Fenris took a brief gulp of the wine.

 

"How awful! But it wasn't your fault." Anders voice was compassionate. Now that he’d spoken more he didn't sound as hoarse as he did at the beginning.

 

Fenris faced the Mage, nodding at him. "I think you, also, have such a collar."

 "What?"

 

"Yes. Mine was an actual collar but yours is named Vengeance… It wasn't you."

 "You... an absolution from you? How ironic! Yes Vengeance was involved, but I'm the reason he exist! I did this to Justice."

 Again Fenris gaze shifted away. "Always so quick to judge yourself. Did it ever occur to you, that _he_ did that to _you_?"

 "I... don't understand what you mean..."Anders looked at the Elf in irritation.

 

"What I mean is, you were already in danger as an Apostate but as an Abomination the templars will definitely kill you. You are unstable... And I don't know why exactly you fleed from the Grey Wardens but I think I overheard you telling Varric that you felt at home there. Free for the first time in years. And I might be wrong, but wasn't it Justice’s fault you left?"

 

Now Anders gaze dropped into his lap where he played with his fingers. "Sure I was free there for some time... Till they got a Templar through the ceremony to watch me. Then it was the fucking circle all over again...! At that time, Kristoff's body was dying so I offered myself to Justice as a host. First he refused but later, we were on patrol together with two other Wardens and that damn Templar… Anyway, we merged but my anger was too much... it twisted him... and... we killed them all. Even my friends... after that I could only run." A choking noise made him look up again.

 

Fenris choked on a sip of wine, coughing to get rid of it. After a minute the elf had caught his breath again.

 

Anders misunderstood the reason why Fenris choked and looked away in shame.

"Yeah I know, it's disgusting and pathetic. I killed them though we fought and laughed so often together. I'm a monster. Do you see? You were right all along..."

 

"Don't babble Mage."

The strange tone in the voice of the Warrior made Anders look up at him again, despite fearing what he might read in the elf’s face. Anders did not expect to see understanding nor compassion there.

 

The Elf watched the Blonde for a moment, strangly reminiscent of himself. Fenris looked away once again, like he had so often this evening.

 

"I never told you why I fled. I was on Seheron with Danarius when the Qunari attacked. As his bodyguard it was my duty to bring him safely to the port, and I did although I got badly injured on the way. Danarius boarded the last ship leaving Seheron but he needed to leave me behind as there were no slaves allowed on board" He said, trying to to say as little as possible whilst still making his point clear.

 

"A group of Fog Warriors, they are feared rebels, fighting Qunari aswell as Tevinters, took me in, treated my wounds and for a few months I saw, what freedom meant. But then Danarius found me again and the Fog Warriors refused to let him take me, so they fought in my defense. Danarius just grinned and commanded me to kill them. So I did.

After they lay there, I somehow snapped and ran away. Not really from Danarius at first. I ran from myself, from what I did..."

 

Fenris emptied the bottle then put it away. "What a shame, I should have bought more..." Fenris glanced at Anders. "It seems we have more in common that I thought. But back to the beginning. You need to come back. They miss you... and to be honest it is kinda boring without you. If it helps, I can promise you I will put you down if you ever lose control again."

 

Anders stared at Fenris. He never thought that this man would share such intimate knowledge about his past. That Fenris would tell him, Anders, his darkest secrets. But somehow Anders finaly felt understood. Something none other, not even Hawke had been able to provide. The Mage smiled.

 

"So you missed me too?"

 Fenris sighed. "Only our arguments."

 "Ok, if I have your word, I will come back."

 "Good. But please, for Makers sake, take a bath! And shave off that stupid beard. You look almost as goofy as Hawke."

 Anders laughed the first time in over a month.

**Author's Note:**

> For all my reader who might think leaving comments/kudos on my storys would be weird/creepy/stalking be assured it is not but really appreciated! I love to know if you liked what I write and also if you find errors you want to tell me, just do :3 Every comment/kudo is awesome!


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